What if I told you, that I have no idea what I’m doing? What if I told you, that I happen to be absolutely clueless? But somehow, unconsciously, I know I’m learning through this process.
In university, I always had my head around my books and having a 4.something CGPA, at least, completely oblivious to the outside world. Now I wish I was more curious. I’m still finding a way to apply Optimality Theory in real life sha, àbí, Pẹ̀lúmi how far?
That campus was my safe haven, I figure that’s why I’m going back in the guise of Masters. I don’t even know if I really want to lecture. But, how would I know if I don’t try it first? I’m doing everything anyway.
Nobody will admit it to you because olórí dorí ara ẹ mú ni (To each his own), but you have to be strong out here. You have to care more for yourself than anybody cares for you. You got a problem? Fix it.
Living in your parent’s house will have you feeling like they are doing you a favour. Sure they’ll tell you you’re still their baby, it’s your house, you get the sermon. And if you’ve got siblings (like my dad never fails to remind me whenever I refuse to ask anyone for money, never mind that they have their own lives to live), they show they’ll always be there to help you, and don’t doubt it, they will. Sha, if they’re a good family. But honestly, you yourself you’ll be ashamed to ask for help.
Out here, depression and migraine are right-hand men, like the Don and his Consigliere. And why, for fuck’s sake, does Lagos have to be riddled with so much traffic? God! I quit my job just because I couldn’t do it anymore. Sure many people still think I’m crazy. Some think it’s over-achieving to want to work from home and make a decent living. I don’t understand, is it unheard of?
Makes me remember one day I forwarded a job vacancy to my status update on WhatsApp and a friend of mine was telling me to apply for it. In her words, “Girl, what are you thinking?”
Well, I was thinking that it takes discerning grace to know when and when not to grapple at “opportunities”. Simply, that job wasn’t mine for the taking. It’s not even what I want to do with my life. My only hope was that someone I know, who needs the job, gets it.
And of course, it’s not kúkú as if I know anything sef. I may have blown up opportunities completely, do I know? (lifting my shoulders) But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that although out here may be dry as a bone, my steps are ordered by God. I could never go wrong with this much faith in me.